Monthly Archives: January 2014

Finding the balance

At times I feel like Bruce Banner in the Avengers. Especially during the part right before the mild-mannered scientist turns into the Hulk and punches the Massive Flying Metal Dinosaur Robot-thing in the face, he says, “I’m always angry”.

Sometimes I can relate.

Not that I’m going to turn into a monstrous green indestructible guy and rampage the city, but there are times I get frustrated and want to do nothing but yell and say potty words (for the PG audience). In order to work through it, I vent my frustration through music. I have a love of Nine Inch Nails and other “angry” music. On that “artist” side of me, I let myself get lost in the dark, primitive nature of my mind. It’s amazing what the imagination can conjure when in the right (or wrong) frame of mind. I try to channel most of it through me writing a very creepy adult novel and letting the frustration go. I suppose I could exercise and physically drain myself but…y’know, whatever.

But I embrace the balance.

Just as much as I love the angry stuff, I love happy pop bands and traditional world musicians. I will sing along or, just like when I’m frustrated, I fall into the music. There is a certain freedom which comes by opening yourself up and truly taking it all in. I really enjoy listening to “old world” musicians such as Loreena McKennitt and Dead Can Dance and, I have to admit it, Enya’s self-titled first album. While it’s modern and electronic, it has an old Celtic feel to it and it’s great when I’m writing.

So, in finding a balance to my senses of light and dark, I’ve come to enjoy listening to film scores, especially those from the Harry Potter and Sherlock Holmes films. Part three of my book takes place in an alternate Victorian London and they all fit perfectly. I can use them for the fun moments with Jac and the other spookier parts with the antagonist and his shadows and machines. Great stuff, but I might be biased.

So, there you go. Not sure if it’s the best way to deal with the black and white that makes up my mind and imagination, but it works for me. I’m sure there are those that say I shouldn’t feed the anger, and I really don’t. I just focus it towards something productive with my art. I have to say, I couldn’t imagine living that way all the time. You need to let it go before it swallows you whole.

Find your balance.


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Milestones Reached!


I’m so happy to report that I have completed Part Three of my four-part novel, “Jac and the City of 1,000 Worlds.” Even though it’s taken me the better part of forever, I’m ecstatic to reach this goal. While I would love to finish the book by this September (I have something forming on the horizon), I’m not going to freak out if I don’t. Like I said in my last post, as long as I continue on, even putting down no more than one single word, I will be achieving my goal.

For those who know me (and, for those that don’t, you will know me once I tell you what I’m about to tell you, so now we’re practically besties), it’s been a bit of a rough road these past 10 years. Of course, there have been some truly amazing and awe-inspiring events, such as my wife actually saying, “I do”, witnessing the birth of our beautiful children, and waking up each morning knowing, even with all that we’ve faced and overcome, how blessed I am.

So here I am, looking back on the past 12/120 months and then look to what the future has in store for me. I’m starting the first year of a new decade and I’ve decided it’s going to be a positive one. I have new goals to reach, new pathways to explore, and new ways to teach and be taught. I’m excited. Scared…but it’s an excited scared, if that makes sense. I look forward to the challenges and mysteries of what tomorrow has to offer. But, of course, I’m not going to forget the joys and miracles that today has to offer. I know I’m blessed. I know, as long as I have my family and friends to support and encourage me, I will reach the next goal and continue to have a wonderful life.


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Almost the answer


While I’ve always been a fan of 42, the idea of 41 freaks me out. And why the isolated fear of a prime number?

It’ll be my age not before long. While I will only have to endure the title for 365 days, it signifies more than just a number. Not only does 41 signify the beginning of my 4th decade spinning around the sun, it shows me where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m headed.

I’ve spent many years dwelling on the past, a poor past time for certain. It does nothing for me but focus on what I coulda’/shoulda’/woulda’ done differently, and that isn’t productive at all. That is not to say I shouldn’t learn from my mistakes (which I have yet to master), but I fixate on my poor choices and do nothing but stagnate in my own quagmire.

What I need to do is see what today holds for me. I could complain about the state of things, but all that does is look to the negative and that just lands me back into the quagmire. So, I must make a choice and look to that which is good and whole around me. And I have much to be thankful for: an amazing family both immediate and extended, a wonderful network of friends and colleagues (yes, I’m talking about you), and the promise that today brings. Throughout the day, celebrate all your victories, no matter how small. Even if I write one word in my book, I call it a win. Spending precious moments watching my children discover the world is a win. Sitting on the sofa with my wife, cuddling and watching a movie together, is a win. Even ruining dinner is a celebration of what not to do next time (or what to never try to cook again). And then, at days end, I look back on that day and celebrate my victories: helping make (and devour) a great homemade meal, watching the underdogs win, finding patience while my toddler throws an epic-sized tantrum, seeing the warm morning smile of my other kiddo, and every other moment where I grew and became a better version of myself.

Live your life today. Once the day’s over, you’ll never get it back, so live it well.

So that’s what I do now. Even if it’s a tiny win, it’s still a win. I’ve written far more than one word today, along with a hundred other wins today. Today was a good day. It was a great day.

I look forward to tomorrow so I can live for today.


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